Awakening the Wolf Page 15

  “It’s going to be okay,” he said, trying to be sure she was going to calm down.

  She shook her head. “No, it’s not. I feel like I’m losing myself and I can’t get it back. I’ve tried to find the wolf, but she’s gone.”

  “You know she’s not gone. She’s a part of you, and because you want that part of you to disappear, then that’s what happened. And I don’t want that part of you to disappear.”

  “Wouldn’t it be easier for you? Then you don’t have to worry about me getting involved with Christopher. About me making more of a fool of myself with the wolf pack? Why do you even want me after everything that I’ve done?”

  He gritted his teeth and knew that she was hurting, but she also had to snap out of the depression she was in. Belik unwound her from his grasp and turned so that he could look into her eyes. This was not the woman he knew, the strong woman who had dealt with years of nearly being ostracized from the flock and who had stood up to the alpha of the wolf pack. Her eyes were red from all her crying and her cheeks gaunt from not eating. He smoothed the hair from her forehead and held her face between his hands. “You’re a strong woman. You stood up to the pack and defeated Jalisa. You have dealt with so much, don’t let this overcome you. I know how much you care about Christopher, but what about me? Don’t you love me, too?”

  She nodded. “Of course I do. You’ve shown me that I don’t have to be what everyone wants me to be.”

  “I love you, Illiana. I don’t want you to be dragged down by someone who has been horrible to you in the past and now can’t deal with the fact that you are just like him.”

  “But . . . ”

  “There is no but. I understand that you’re feeling guilty about telling Christopher about your wolf side. There is more to life than him. There’s me, and I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed her lightly, praying she would understand that he loved her, too—more than any man who was going to throw her aside because he could not handle the truth. She returned his kiss and pressed her body against his. It stirred his lust, but he knew better than to take advantage of her in her compromised state.

  Belik broke the kiss when he heard her stomach gurgle. Illiana giggled. “I’m hungry.”

  “I would think so. You’ve barely eaten anything in the past two weeks.”

  “How do you know that?”

  He touched the feather in her hair. “I’ve been watching you, silly. Did you think I was going to let you wallow and waste away? I had to be sure you were okay.” He pointed up to the tree branches where he had roosted and that had given him a good view of her window.

  She poked him in the chest. “I should tell your father you’ve been a Peeping Tom.”

  “I doubt my father would care. He’s glad that I’m out of the house. He’s been asking me what I am going to do for a trade.”

  “Have you decided what you wanted to do? I thought you were going to weave like your mother?” she asked. Illiana got up, but she was wobbly on her feet so he had to help her stand up and keep her steady.

  “I want to, but I’ve been too worried about you. Should I ask your mother to get something for you to eat?” Belik asked.

  “No. I can get it. Thank you.”

  “Are you sure? You look like you’re going to fall over.”

  She nodded. “I’ll be fine.” Illiana turned to leave the room but gave him a quick hug before she did. Belik saw the smile on her face, and for the first time in the past two weeks he knew she would be all right. It might take her a long while to recoup from what happened between her and Christopher, but she was going to be okay. He could feel it. Belik returned the hug and watched her leave the room. He sat on her bed, stared out of the window, and admired the view of the forest below. His father had an aerie lower to the ground. He wished they were up higher. It was always his first love to fly and stay in raven form when he was growing up, but now he saw it was also beneficial to be a man. And he yearned to be the best man he could for Illiana.

  She returned with a plate of bread and cheese and offered him some, but he declined. “You need to eat, too, you know.”

  “I’ll be fine. You’re more important at the moment. I could feed you if you don’t think you’re going to eat that.”

  “No, I think I can eat it. You know, I realize how selfish I’ve been. I didn’t mean to come off that way. I asked you to put me before what you wanted. I’ve never asked what you wanted out of our relationship. What do you want? Did you really want to share me with another man?”

  Belik sighed. “It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m not against it. There are some other ravens that have two or more mates.”

  “Really? I never knew that.”

  “It’s true. It’s acceptable as long as they all take care of one another. It’s true what I said. I only want you. If it makes you happy to be with another man, then I’ll accept that. I’ll go where you go.”

  “Why do you say that like I’m going on a journey or something?” Illiana broke off a piece of bread and ate it.

  “Let’s call it a feeling I have. I think you are destined for great things.”

  “I’m not sure I want to be destined for anything else. Being what I am is challenging enough. And I’m not doing a very good job at it.”

  He took a piece of cheese and popped it in his mouth before answering her. “You are doing just fine. We all stumble along the way. Trust me, there’s more to you than you realize. Don’t think about it right now—”

  “Excuse me, Illiana, Christopher is here to see you,” her mother announced.

  The color drained from his mate’s face, and he could see the panic that flashed in her eyes. He swallowed the last piece of cheese and felt it get stuck in his throat. This was it. Whatever the wolf said was either going to break or elate his beloved. Belik prayed that it would snap her all the way out of her depression. No matter what happened, he would be there for her.

  She glanced at him. “What should I do?”

  “You need to make that decision for yourself. You’ve been praying that he’d come around, and here he is. The gods must have heard your call.”

  Illiana stood up. She straightened her dress and ran a brush through her hair, but she was still nervous. That was plain to see from the way she studied herself in the mirror and how her hands shook. This was something she had to face on her own, and whatever the outcome, it would change their lives forever.

  Chapter Eleven

  Christopher stared at the entryway of the aerie and saw the robes hanging on the pegs. He knew the ravens were a little more hospitable when it came to shifters arriving naked and offered them the robes. Among the wolves it was never really a problem. He had grown up with people being naked all the time and shifting back and forth. However, they kept a few robes on hand in case some of the flock visited. Examining the aerie, he realized it was not much different than his own hut. It made him uneasy being off the ground. They were a good forty feet from the forest floor, and this was a completely different world than what he was used to. Sometimes he wondered how the ravens and the wolves existed together. He tried to shake off the vertigo by peering over the edge of the rail through the large branches and wondered what it would be like to fly instead of run. It might make traveling easier, but that was not what mattered. Christopher put his mind on the task at hand and what he was going to say to Illiana. That was the very thing that had been tumbling through his brain ever since the night of her initiation into the pack.

  Jalisa had tried to talk her way back into his heart, back into the idea of them being mated, but he had come to see her in another light. She was a selfish bitch who wanted nothing more than to move up in the ranks of the pack. All he had really wanted was Illiana. The wind blew around him in a gust so forcefully it almost pushed him over. He was not sure if Illiana had caused it or if it was a natural occurrence. When Belik had come to him at the pond earlier, he did not know what to make of the other man. He could not see how Illiana would see anything in the rave
n and knowing that she did had made him jealous. Christopher clenched his fists thinking about it. If possible, he would barge in and rip the feathers from Belik’s wings to make sure he could never fly again. But knowing that he was envious of the other man only confirmed his true feelings for Illiana. He shook his head and tried to reconcile those feelings shifting and morphing inside of his mind, because one minute he was disgusted for what she had done and the next he was completely amazed that she was a wolf and part of the pack. Then he remembered that she had lied to him, and that only made him furious.

  The breeze stirred again, and he caught her sweet scent. Now that he knew it was Illiana, a mixture of wolf and raven, of cedar and the faint pine scent that he associated with all ravens along with the spicy musk of the wolf. It was intoxicating and made his mouth water. He understood now that her wolf scent and her raven scent were completely different. And when she was human, it was a mixture of both. Now he understood the reason she had worn perfume the night of the celebration to mask her scent. Whenever Christopher had tracked her scent as a wolf, the fragrance always ended, and he could never figure out where she had gone. Now he understood all about it. She went from wolf to raven, which made it appear she had vanished.

  Then there were her eyes: all-black irises, and her pupils were silver, the full moon captured within her gaze. All that time he had fantasized about her, about her human form, and then she had been at the celebration, her mask, a mixture of wolf fur and feathers, had driven him crazy. Then to have been inside of her had completed the fantasy for him. She had spouted off about sharing mates if you loved that person enough, then it could work out. He did not see it that way. That was another thing he had been trying to contemplate at the pond before Belik had interrupted him. Was it something he could do? Could he share her with the raven?

  “W-what are you doing here?” Illiana asked.

  He looked up from the forest floor and glanced at her. His heart sank. She was not what he expected. It seemed worse than what Belik had told him. Illiana was gaunt, the skin drawn across her face making her eyes look wider and deeper than they should. He could see she had lost weight. It made her seem like a different person. He didn’t like it.

  “You look different.”

  She hung her head. “Sorry.”

  “Sorry about how you look?”

  “No. Sorry about everything. I should’ve told you from the beginning about who I was and that I could become a wolf. I never should’ve deceived you. I never meant to make a fool of you in front of the pack or your father. It was never my intention. I-I’m so sorry.” Tears slipped down her cheeks.

  It wrenched his heart seeing her begging for his forgiveness, knowing that she had only wanted to bring them together, that she had always wanted him the way that he wanted to be with her. The attraction he felt for her flared to life. He had tried to banish it from his mind, tell himself she had played some kind of a cruel joke on him, but the joke was on him. Christopher felt the realization wash over him. He had been the coward. He did not want to face the idea that they could be together because he knew the ramifications it would cause among the pack. What did that matter now? She had been taken in by the pack, and they still were not sure what to make of her. They were wondering if she was a true asset. They wondered if she was going to be strong and how she would keep the balance between the pack and the flock. Illiana was strong enough. Christopher cringed at the times he had made her cry, and that was the reason this had happened because he had acted on his short temper. It was one of his downfalls that he had always tried to get over.

  He took her hands, brought them to his lips, and kissed the back of them. Illiana drew in a breath, and he could feel her quivering. Christopher glanced up and saw she was waiting for him to reply, waiting to see what he was going to do. He figured she had given up hope. Seeing her so vulnerable and so repentant, he knew that he had acted without thinking. He could no more push her out of his life than he could tear the wolf out of his being. It and she were a part of him.

  “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I was an ass. I am an ass. I understand why you did what you did. If you had come out and told me you were the wolf, I probably would’ve reacted the same way or worse. I’ve always been afraid to accept what our relationship would mean to the pack. That was why I kept seeing Jalisa. It was easier to go with her than to admit how much I loved you. How much I still love you.”

  “You love me?” she squeaked out.

  He drew her into his embrace and relaxed now that she was there. Illiana fit against him even more so than Jalisa did. Underneath the woman was a fierce wolf that he could sense inside of her. But Belik had been right. She had been wasting away all because of how he had acted. She had lost confidence in herself. He had not gotten over how she had walked through the fire without getting burned. The way she sucked on her lip, he knew she was waiting. Her breath came out in small pants. The anticipation was killing her. Christopher lowered his mouth to hers and captured her lips. He yearned to devour her but did not want to push his luck. Still knowing he was kissing her made it all the more worthwhile because he never thought this would happen again. Never thought he would have her in his arms and know she was the only woman he truly wanted. She returned the kiss hesitantly at first. As he slid his fingers down her back, feeling all of her luscious curves, she relaxed. Illiana swept her tongue across his bottom lip, and he held in a moan. She pulled away before he could deepen the kiss.

  “Yes, I love you. I can’t imagine you not in my life. I know I’ve said horrible things to you. I caused you to feel this way and doubt what you are, which is a beautiful and confident woman. Never let anyone make you feel that you aren’t. Not even me. I don’t have a stop between my brain and my mouth. You know that.”

  She nodded. “I know. You used that mouth of yours plenty to go after all the ones who said horrible things to me. Are we okay?”

  He pushed the hair from her face. “We’re okay. What about Belik?”

  “What about him?”

  Christopher noticed the raven feather in her hair. He fingered it. “You’re still going to mate him.”

  Illiana touched his hand, brought it to her cheek, and nuzzled his palm. Her mouth brushed the inside of it, sending a zing down to his cock. He wanted to make love to her right there. “Of course I am. That is something I can’t and I won’t stop. I love him. Are you going to have a problem with that?”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. Belik had mentioned that he was not going anywhere and that he would have to share Illiana. It went against everything in his nature, but so did mating a woman who was also a raven shifter, could walk through fire, and control the very air. “It’s something I’ll have to get used to. How will we figure out the sleeping arrangements?”

  Illiana giggled. “We’ll have to move into our own aerie. My mother won’t understand the three of us, and, well, it’s time I get out from her.”

  He nodded. “I know the feeling, but what about living in the wolf village with me?”

  She shrugged. “I hadn’t really gotten that far yet regarding sleeping arrangements. Honestly, I didn’t think you’d come or that I’d ever talk to you again. The way you left it at the initiation, you made it perfectly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me.”

  “I know. I was out of line. Belik found me, and we talked.”

  “Really? What did he say?”

  Christopher glanced over his shoulder and saw the other man standing in the doorway. He did not know how long Belik had been there, but he assumed it was long enough to hear most, if not all, of their conversation. “Why don’t you ask him yourself? He’s right behind you.”

  Illiana turned from his arms and saw Belik. She slipped her arms around Belik’s waist and buried her head in his chest. The other man held her, and Christopher had to bite his lip from saying something that would ruin everything he was trying to repair. If this was going to work, then he would have to accept seeing the woman he ad
ored in the arms of another man. The raven stared at him and did not drop his gaze. Christopher smiled and nodded, knowing that Belik loved Illiana, too. If he did not, then he never would have let him know that Illiana was in trouble. She ran her lips across his cheek and whispered something into his ear. He nodded and she slipped inside, leaving the two of them alone.

  “She wanted to go get cleaned up. And I think give us some time to talk.”

  He nodded. “How much did you hear?”

  “All of it.” Belik leaned against the door. “Does that bother you?”

  “You told me that if I wanted her, I’d have to be willing to share. She said it to me, too. I never thought I would have to share a woman. You?”

  Belik shook his head. “No. I never thought I would have to either, but it’s something that is done among the flock. If it makes her happy, then I’m going to do everything I can to make her happy. Isn’t that what you want to do, too?”

  He nodded. “Yes. I want to make her happy. I’ve always wanted to. Sometimes, like the other night, I lose my temper and say things I shouldn’t. It used to make me so angry when others would pick on Illiana because she wasn’t like the others or that she was not a wolf and I was friends with her. Admit it, your kind pretty much looks the same. Slender, strong, long black hair, and pale skin. She’s curvier and has more meat on her bones, and her skin is darker. That in itself put her in harm’s way of being taunted, but she can control the air and fly upon it. That singled her out even more.”